Have you ever had a wild fantasy? Have you ever wanted to beat up somebody to pulp? Or better still, kill them? Have you ever wanted to jump off the nearest rooftop? Have you ever wanted to cheat on your partner? For most of us, if we are being honest, the answer to all these questions is yes. We all have dark, forbidden thoughts, desires and feelings. The problem is, these are in direct conflict with our morality. We are taught to live by a code of ethics right from our childhood. The sense of right or wrong. Anything that jeopardizes our moral compass is difficult to accept. But the truth is, we still have these urges and impulses. What do we do about them?

Think for a second. What would you normally do? First, it would be difficult to acknowledge the feeling as your own. If you succeed in doing that, it is even more difficult to accept the fact. You are bound to be tormented by guilt. So, what do you do? You banish the thoughts and feelings to the more inaccessible corners of your mind. Relief. But for how long?

It is just a matter of time before they resurface and you are fighting more pangs of guilt, this time laced with a little frustration or anger. The inherent question you ask yourself is, “Am I a bad person?”

Let us review this.

Going back to the beginning of this blog, if most of us answered yes to either of these questions, that would make a world full of bad people. The truth is our urges are not governed by moral principle. They are primal instincts. Morality is a concept we developed in the course of our evolution, for the sake of a crime free society. It is imperative that we pass our urges through our moral filters before acting upon them, if we are to live in a peaceful community. But we cannot disown our instincts. They are part of us.

Let us look at a real-life example.

A young boy who has grown up watching his mother getting abused by his father. The father, however, is an attentive and responsible parent, ready to do anything for his son. The boy is aware of this, and he loves his father. Despite that, he has this urge to beat up his dad for the way he treats his mother. And he is shocked and guilt-ridden by this revelation.

A brilliant scholar in her thirties suddenly finds herself falling head over heels over a colleague, despite being in a steady relationship. She describes it as akin to a teenage crush. She is unable to focus on her work or her boyfriend. To add to her worries, her friends are judging her for this. What she herself finds most difficult to accept is the fact that she is behaving like a starry-eyed teenager, forfeiting everything for a silly crush. Something her logical brain does not agree with. The frustration, guilt and anger she feels as a result makes her go spiraling into depression.

I could give you hundreds of such examples. But I think I made my point. It is perfectly alright to have “immoral” desires. That does not make you a bad person. It simply makes you as human as the rest of us. So unless you are signing up for sainthood, acknowledge these desires, accept them as they are, tell yourself it is alright and move on. If you need help along the way, reach out to us, anytime.

DrDebasmitaPsychiatrist