Intimacy is an important aspect of our daily lives. So much so that, when we take a medical case history, it is right there with sleep and appetite among the biological functions. Yet, in our society, most women (and many men) are not comfortable embracing this fact. Somehow, intimacy feels like a tabboo. Something that we do not discuss openly, even with our romantic partners.

Before we delve into the problems, let us revisit the virtues of a healthy intimate relationship. Of course, it feels great! That is a no-brainer. But that apart, a good conjugal relationship contributes heavily to the couple’s physical and mental wellbeing. And it certainly strengthens their bond.

So far, so good. What then, is the problem? Looking at it from a woman’s point of view, there are a few hurdles –

Guilty Pleasure: Modesty is a virtue. Especially when it comes to a woman. Women are brought up on a steady diet of ‘what not to do if you want to be a lady’ right from the day they are born. And you know what, it sticks! The modesty factor is so deeply ingrained in a woman’s mind, that any intimate pleasure she experiences (more so if it is outside the confines of marriage) is invariably associated with shame and guilt. Even when it comes to married life, the conjugal relationship is mostly for the man’s pleasure. And often, on his terms. A wife’s role is to provide that pleasure, and occasionally, kids as a byproduct. No room for her pleasure. Frankly, most men cannot tell if their female partners are sated. But it is not that they do not want to find out. However, here comes the most surprising revelation. The female partners are not a big help in this regard. There is no communication coming forth from their end that could guide their partner. The man is left to his own devices to figure out what works for her. And unless he has a revelation, he is often as clueless after the fourth intimate session as he was after the first.

Ignorance is (not) bliss: On that note, the male partner is not the only clueless one. His female counterpart is often worse off. Women are so caught up in the endless cycle of shame and guilt, that they almost never find out what feels good. As is often pointed out during therapy sessions, each individual is different and although a lot has been written about the elusive G – spot, it is not universal. When it comes to intimacy, there is never a one size fits all. If a woman does not know her body, there is only so much that her man can do for her. It is a shame that most women do not know what their pleasure points are. But the unfortunate fact is that they are often too embarrassed to explore their bodies and fantasies. And logically speaking, if women are not helping themselves, you really cannot blame the men.

Abuse: Speaking of the blame, most women deal with abuse at some point.Some more often than others.And what is even more unfortunate is that mostly the abusers are male members of her family.While the event is traumatic in itself, what completes the cycle of mistrust and humiliation is that her own kin covers up the incident because the family reputation is at stake. It is no wonder that the girl in question grows up feeling it was somehow her fault .Her future intimate encounters with her man become traumatic as she revisits these old wounds every time. It takes years of love, care and therapy to undo this damage. Unfortunately, most women never speak to their partners of the past hurts or make it to a therapist.

Intimacy, as we see, is more than just a pleasurable encounter. It is more about self and trust. And if one finds it difficult to do so on their own, there is always a therapist who can help.

drdebasmitapsychiatrist